siempre_maria

I read nearly every other day here about people who eloped and are now planning their "real wedding."

GlitterMeThat

Couldn’t agree more. There are literally 3 posts on the main page about how couples “just got Married at the courthouse” and are now “really getting married” when in reality, they eloped and now want a celebration.

NixKlappt-Reddit

In this sub "eloping" is also often wrongly used for a small destination wedding.

Eloping for me means: Only bridal couple and maybe witnesses if legally needed.

Destination wedding: The bridal couple (and most of the guests) have to travel to another country.



A lot of our friends had the courthouse and the ceremony on different days. We had some friends who did a micro wedding with only closest family members.

Two friends went to Vegas - that's what I call eloping.

terwilliger-blvd

Former friend of mine used to always say she “eloped” but they actually had about 20 family members there, a full ceremony, had photos, had a reception after their honeymoon. It’s not eloping just because you kept it small, everyone in your life knew you were getting married that weekend lol

NixKlappt-Reddit

lol



I guess some persons think the default should be a 100+ guests wedding. As a result they call everything less "eloping" or a "micro wedding".

There a also persons who want to have a destination wedding to save costs. And then they are mad that their guests don't want to pay 2k for this "vacation".

ClancyCandy

Also key to actually “eloping” is not telling people.

People who have a bridal shower before “eloping” for example absolutely get on my goat!

itinerantdustbunny

Yes of course it is the other way around too. And tbh, a lot of the people who flippantly say they wish they’d eloped don’t even mean it: if it really came down to doing it over, a lot of those people would pick the big wedding again. “Just elope” is an easy thing to say in a moment of frustration, the sentiment itself is not as common as it seems.

The vast majority of people are happy with their choices, in both directions. Very few people genuinely wish they’d made a different choice, whether their choice was an elopement or a big event.

Add into that the “not like other girls” race to the bottom that is so common in public spheres when discussing weddings, and it’s pretty clear that some people are saying they want to elope just to seem cool and chill, and not because that is what is actually right for them. It’s sad honestly, they’re ruining their own milestones just to seem cool to people who could not possibly care less.

I eloped because I had to and I did not enjoy it. Or rather, I did enjoy it, but only because I knew it wasn’t my real wedding and that I’d have my big event soon. I am only able to look back on my elopement fondly because it wasn’t my real wedding. If it had been, I’d have been utterly devastated. Elopements are not for me at all.

Pure_Tomatillo_8409

The “not like other girls” comment is spot on. People feel like they need to appear chill and cool and low maintenance. God forbid anyone think they’re “trying too hard”

TotallyWonderWoman

The worst one of these I saw was about the commenter's friend who got her engagement ring from a bubblegum machine or something. "She cared about the marriage, not the ring." This was in a discussion about engagement rings, and luckily people shut down the idea that having any standards at all in regards to their engagement ring was being superficial.

FFS-For-FoxBats-Sake

Yes! God this annoys the crap out of me, they’re so judgmental to be superior.

rerreadit

Spot on!

I thought I was cool and “not like the other girls,” but after I put more thought into it and stopped asking others what they thought I should do, I’m now having a full wedding and the simple dress I thought I wanted is now a very girly, very fluffy wedding dress.



With that said, my sister eloped without telling anyone and she is VERY happy. If you’re debating which way to go, my advice is to take a week from thinking about it or talking about it, and come back to it and see how you feel.

MardiGras0

Ug, so true! People don't mean it! I remember being so busy leading up to my wedding and people just assumed I would be upset about having to do so much work.

I had a friend tell me multiple times "if it makes you feel any better, I was so close to eloping. It was just so stressful!"

In my head I was thinking: um, no you weren't. you were never going to elope. stop saying that.

And my sister would constantly say "this is why I am just going to elope".

And to that I'd say to myself: first off, you're not even engaged. and second, no you wouldn't. you love parties and you'd never NOT have a party.



I enjoyed being occupied on my wedding and thinking of all of the little details. Yes, it was stressful at times but I would not of had it otherwise.

kimchifriedtofu

Technically we eloped/only went to courthouse due to 2 main reasons (finances - $ was spent on buying a house, FIL was also diagnosed with stage 4 cancer) and this was right after things started opening up after the pandemic in 2021.

So we rushed it from the day FIL was diagnosed in July - we picked the first random date available (October) as soon as the courthouse resumed in person ceremonies since we wanted to at least have his father there before the illness/side effects of treatment kicked in.

I did end up buying a dress I loved really on short notice, the family got dressed up, and we hired a photographer just for photos at city hall (in SF).

Now FIL just passed away a month ago, and we all are glad that we did rush/elope because it was the last big happy moment together for the family and we have those photos to remember as well.



I do wish we could have had a party/celebration, but I also do not regret our decision given the current economy. My husband swears that we will someday have a ceremony/vow renewal to make up for everything, but realistically speaking after seeing the rising costs for everything, I don't think that will happen.

QuinoaPoops

I’m eloping soon and have very conflicting feelings about it.



On the one hand, I feel like I HAVE TO elope because my family sucks and simply can’t be trusted to not ruin my day. This gives me jealous feelings of people who like their family and who can have everyone in one space without a problem. It makes me sad, mad, and frustrated that they took that from me.

On the other hand, I am at that age where all of my friends are getting married and I’m constantly thinking “Yup. Making the right decision.” Either because of money, drama, or stress. Plus I’m buying a house, so I absolutely can’t justify spending that money on a wedding.

All this to say, either choice comes with conflict for most people, I think. “Grass is always greener” effect.

miss_kittycat88

I eloped this summer. I did not and still don’t want a big celebration whatsoever. We did things our way and it was so special that way. I could never regret that.

For me, those big events bridal showers, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, and receptions are not my thing. They’re overwhelming and crowded. I have too much family, and anxiety to manage such large events.



We had a joint bachelor/bachelorette night. We went to a barcade, then a restaurant. For me, that felt like our reception. Friends, fun, and a beautiful reason to celebrate.

I may ask my husband to do a photo shoot for our wedding anniversary. We took cell phone pictures after the ceremony, and only took a handful total. A photoshoot for our anniversary would be a great way to celebrate and have professional photos in our wedding attire.

lenshady28

Didn't elope but seriously considered it... I had my wedding on 9/30/23 and I feel like we're just coming down from the high. I am personally glad the stress of the wedding is over--both good and bad stress. I know everyone says that I'd rather have a house than a wedding, and as a super pragmatic person, I more or less agree. We considered the gamut for our celebration--court house elopement, exotic location elopement, only immediate family, 300+ guests, etc. I was definitely pushing the elopement/very intimate wedding hard, mostly due to cost concerns, but ultimately, my husband wanted to throw a big ass party.



I ultimately relented because making memories is a key tenant in our (mine and my husband's) relationship and lives. I feel so lucky that we ultimately decided to have a wedding (~100ish guests) because there are essentially 2 moments in life where all my favorite people are there celebrating with me. I feel like it's wedding or funeral... and a funeral isn't gonna be half as much fun, even if it's mine lol. I also love being able to reminisce on special moments throughout the day with my husband and other loved ones.



Could we have used this money to buy a house a bit sooner? Honestly, I'm not sure, but most likely. We funneled extra cash to the Wedding fund and are renting, which I have no regrets about that decision. In the end, I am surprised to say I'm genuinely glad we didn't elope. Not the right choice for everyone, but it was for us!

ETA: I found wedding planning to be stressful and I am formerly a project manager--just felt like 1 million stupid expensive decisions, answering e-mails, and errand running. So it's not all unicorns and rainbows. Do I wish I could have all the fun and none of the stress? Absolutely, but it was worth it for us in the end.

brownchestnut

I agree with dustbunny - a lot of people that say "I wish I'd eloped" are actually saying they wish they were less stressed. Most people have weddings because they actually want it-- no one can force an adult to have a whole ass wedding they don't actually want. And there's that whole false dichotomy of "wedding vs house" and the Cool Girl mentality of claiming to be an 'anti-bride' when they're literally a typical bride. I would take the majority of "wish I'd eloped" laments with a giant grain of salt.



ETA: I'm not saying wedding vs house isn't a dichotomy that CAN happen - I'm saying 'false dichotomy' in the sense that it's used as a reason for Too Cool For Other Girls to bash brides for having a wedding because "WHAT ABOUT A HOUSE!?" as if those two HAVE to be mutually exclusive. It's like the But The Starving Children In Africa thing. Yes they do exist but trying to bring that into bashing another thing is disingenuous.

Ok-Season8121

I wouldn’t quite call “wedding vs house” a false dichotomy - it’s simply the economic reality for some people. One usually has to be prioritized over the other.

iggysmom95

I guess maybe if you live somewhere with a cheap housing market but the current reality for many is that it's a false dichotomy because houses are SO expensive they aren't in competition. Like, we are spending 40K on our wedding and that will barely set us back six months on our house purchase timeline because 40K is chump change in this market. It wouldn't cover the down payment on a one-storey, two-bed one-bath starter home.

It's also a false dichotomy because people act like having a wedding means you can't buy a house. You don't have to buy a house right away. The obsession with home ownership is SUPER North American and its really no big real to rent for a few more years. Some people make it out like it's super irresponsible to have a big wedding if you don't own a home, but there's literally nothing wrong at all with waiting a few more months or years. There's no deadline for buying a house.

Ok-Season8121

Yes, of course $40k alone wouldn’t suffice for a house but it can be a pretty large percent of a down payment. I wouldn’t dare call someone financially irresponsible for prioritizing a wedding, because everyone is different and it’s none of my business. I’m just saying that in my situation, I definitely felt like I had to choose one over the other. It’s not like we would have never been able to buy a house, but it would’ve set us back a bit and it’s something that was important to us. No shade to anyone who chooses wedding!

Sincerely_Me_Xo



Using some simple numbers here:

If the average house in the north east is about 700k and you have 100k in savings, using 40k on a wedding will most certainly set you back in terms of housing.

20% down payment would be 140k so 100k is a decent down payment but still a little low, where as 60k is absolutely not. I mean sure you can stretch your mortgage differently, put a lower percentage as a down payment, but your monthly mortgage will be higher.

A 14.8% Vs a 8.7% down payment is a huge difference. I’m not sure how you don’t see that as a setback especially with current mortgage rates around 7/8%. I mean, if you can afford 6/7000 a month mortgage payment go for it, but the reality is that most people can’t. And most people aren’t going to save up 40k in just a few months. Especially considering the average American salary is about 60k. So yes, it can be seen as financially irresponsible.

ATL_Ash

I recently eloped and have absolutely no regrets. We were originally planning a small (30-40 person) wedding & when we cancelled it, I mourned a little because I was deep into planning and had started to envision the day a certain way, but now I am so happy we did it this way. We did a destination elopement and it was honestly the best week of my life getting to make memories with my now husband. Despite not having our loved ones there, we were loved and supported the entire time (we didn’t run off/ keep it a secret from anyone lol) and as an introvert, it was so nice to not have to feel “on” or worry about if everyone was having a good time. Would 100 percent do it all over again.

DemCheex

Right now, I have three coworkers who are doing this.

1. Got married at the courthouse; renting out resort in Mexico for celebration a few months later
2. Eloped to New Zealand (gorgeous photos of a helicopter taking them to the summit of this snowy mountain); this week, having a celebration in San Francisco at a restaurant with family and friends
3. (Coworker’s sister) Eloped in Banff; having a celebration in Boston with family and friends

My fiancé and I are going to do it the other way around (kind of). We’re going to have the 100 person wedding and party, then in the weeks after we are going to hire another photographer to take photos of us at City Hall and all around our favorite places in the city. Then it’s going to end with a dinner at our favorite restaurant with a small group of friends. It was my dream to get married at San Francisco city hall because it’s so beautiful inside, and we live within walking distance, and our favorite restaurant is nearby.

tgalen

Oh absolutely not. The lead up to and day of my elopement was completely stress free. Pure perfection. My mom threw us a party a few months later which made me feel so pressured with so many expectations and then I had a panic attack at the end of it.

implicit_cow

Sometimes! We got engaged last year, and two months later I found out I was pregnant. We were planning a big wedding and budgeting $20k (though it was prob going to be more like $25k), and that was going to be a lot of DIY. I was actually really excited about that part (like making the signage etc). It would have been primarily paid for by us.

After thinking about it a lot, we decided to elope in Hawaii, just us. It was awesome to get married with our feet in the sand. Ultimately, I don’t regret it because it was going to be so much money out of our pocket. I think bringing family together is a great use of money, but it just wasn’t right for us at this time with daycare costs looming.

The thing I regret was not just inviting parents to come along. Because next weekend we’re doing a wedding blessing with family, and it’s been a little stressful and we honestly don’t care about it that much. I’m glad that our parents will be able to be involved, but we’re not doing it for us, and it’s a bit of a pain to travel to do this with two month old.