My boyfriend (M26) and I (F27) have been together on and off since high school.

We got engaged about a year ago, but had some issues so we took a step back from getting married.

Fast forward to now, and we’re better than ever and living together. I recently had a miscarriage and was plunged into a bad depressive episode and we talked about it and decided that since he got a hefty raise, I should take some time off working as it was a huge contributor to my mental health issues.

The only concern is health insurance, as I’m having to see a doctor regularly because of my miscarriage and I see a psychiatrist for my depression, and getting insurance elsewhere is too expensive, so we decided we are going to get married this month, just the two of us, and hold a proper ceremony later.

I bought him a ring yesterday and we were super excited and giddy and are genuinely in love and know this is what we want to do.

Well, last night we were having a few drinks and his mom came over for dinner. His mom and I have had our up’s and downs but for the most part we get along. She asked him what we had planned for the weekend, and my boyfriend let it slip that we were planning on getting married at the courthouse. She asked “am I invited?” And he responded “no, nobody is invited. We want to keep it on the down low and have a proper ceremony later”.

She BLEW UP.

Grabbed her stuff and stormed out of the house.

She then started berating us with text messages cursing and saying how selfish we are, we’re making a mistake, and hurting everyone we love and she refuses to support it.

We tried to explain why we are expediting the marriage and that my family doesn’t know either, but she wasn’t having any of it. She told me she can’t talk to me anymore because she’s afraid she’ll “say some things to me that could ruin us having a relationship in the future”.

I figured she would be upset but this has blown up really bad and I’m starting to wonder if this is a selfish decision for us to make. He told his mom she acted out of line, and that she needs to apologize to the both of us or we will go zero contact.

Haven’t heard from her since. I’m thinking we shouldn’t have told her, but the reaction really threw me off.



So, are we the assholes for wanting to elope and tell everyone/have a ceremony later?

Elopements are more effective when they come as a fait accompli. Announcing one in advance is always a tactical error. As in this case, the entitled will use the information to conduct a high-intensity pressure campaign. Fiancé screwed up telling his mother.

NTA.

NTA

She wanted the attention of walking down the aisle and sitting in the front row. It's y'alls marriage and not anyone else's. Just note that he's putting you first over everyone else.

Marriage doesn't need some fancy elaborate wedding, it requires love, respect, and standing up for one another. Don't ever let the outside world influence y'all marriage. Congrats BTW.

NTA



She's making YOUR wedding about her. I can see her having feelings about it, but her reaction leaves me no room for sympathy for her at all.

I honestly wish we had eloped, our wedding was beautiful but it’s all a blur now and it was incredibly stressful to plan.

We had a small wedding so cost [was] we’re relatively low, but I still wish we had saved that money for something better. Weddings are just parties for other people.

I love getting together with family and friends and celebrating whatever the occasion is, in general so same applies for the wedding but we kind of had to get married quickly so we didn’t get the chance :/

Tbh, yes. I hated my wedding. I love my partner! But my family is awful and made it all about them, and I really didn't like it. I wish we did it at the court house or literally anything.

NTA

She does not get a vote in your relationship.

NTA.

Totally your decision and his mom is being an asshole.

We were going to “have a proper ceremony later” and never did. I love all of my family and friends, love spending time with them, but a wedding is such an expensive hassle. Zero regrets here. And congrats!

NTA.

we were super excited and giddy and are genuinely in love and know this is what we want to do

This is all a parent should ever need to hear.

She then started berating us with text messages cursing and saying how selfish we are, we’re making a mistake, and hurting everyone we love and she refuses to support it.

That's why you don't need to involve her. I hope that you are very happy together.

NTA



It's your wedding, not your relatives or in-laws! Your future MIL is trying to guilt trip you into a wedding that she had imagined for her son.

Explain to her that it's your decision and if she wants to be a part of the larger wedding in the future, she'll accept your decision now.

Congratulations on getting married this weekend by the way!

NTA.

You can get married alone at the courthouse. In fact, many people never end up having a big ceremony and that is okay too.

NTA.

The mother's reaction sounds, well, unhinged. I can understand disappointment, but berating your for being selfish and threatening to hurt your relationship? Makes me think she's never liked you. That would make me hesitate about marriage; is your husband prepared to never deal with her again if she doesn't apologize? But anyway, NTA.

I am leaning towards this or just a very small wedding.

We had an engagement party which was an excellent glimpse into what a wedding might be like.

It was stressful and expensive and being on the whole time then not being able to spend much time with everyone was somewhat depressing.

I'm an extrovert and want to make sure everyone else is good and it was exhausting and it was only about 50 people.